A look, a smile, an eye contact that obliterate the outside world to leave only the interaction between people: this is, among other things, flirting. Some people have problems with it. I want to defend it. Sure, there are plenty of other ‘ills’ of the world that may need a rhetorical defense, and this one is the most frivolous of all. But frivolities often reveal something more fundamentally important than their innocuous shells. Flirting as something frivolous--and how one may respond to the act of flirtation--is a window into our individual moral qualms and judgments, our perception of acceptable personal expression and outlook on human relationships, and even perhaps our self-esteem--all things that demands serious attention if we are to live happy, contented lives.
Kate was right. She and I had this conversation a long time ago, when we were still freshmen--it was about, of all things, flirting. At the time, I was practically puritanical about it. Several years and a coming-out later, I concede defeat. Kate has always been right about flirtation. It doesn't always have to bear a sexual burden, anymore than a skimpy dress is an open invitation for getting yourself molested. A flirtation is not an indicator of sexual promiscuity, or intentions of infidelity. Webster dictionary defines flirting as being able "to behave amorously without serious intent" and "to show superficial or casual interest or liking." Clearly, those people at Webster can instruct me on the true meanings of 'behaving amorously', but I'd prefer to stress the 'without serious intent' or 'superficial' part of the definition to make my case.
There are many uses for flirting, and woe is the person who reads it as only a prelude to sex. In the animal kingdom, flirting in terms of sexual relations for nonsexual aims abound. Male giraffes stimulate each other to erection, but they seem to do it to reinforce social bonds. In certain societies of monkeys, females rub their external genitals together for many things, including saying hello. While I've yet to see this behavior between 2 women at a bar, it's not a stretch to understand that humans, too, use sexual identity and sexuality in social contexts that go beyond the sexual act.
Nurses flirt; doctors (the good ones that patients like, and plastic surgeons) flirt. Flirting is flattery, endearing if done with taste. In many instances, it allows the user to get what he wants out of others, which is, after all, the point of most social interactions aimed at specific goals, be it extra help on an assignment from the TF, or getting a co-worker to do a favor. It is, coincidentally, a way of self-expression, of relating to others in a social context. Casual flirting makes the day more colorful for all involved, gets attention, opens up conversations and boosts self-esteem. It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with relationship status, age, loose morals, or predatory behavior. Like anything else, it is about context.
True, flirting is a romantic act. But as Webster defined it, it is at best a superficial romantic act, done without necessarily an expectation of something more. In this context, flirting is a way of being kind to others, paying complements to that which any of us, deep down inside, wants: desirability. As a medium of exchange, flirting thus becomes a potent social lubricant; like alcohol, it intoxicates those who are on the receiving end, breaks down barriers of communication, and lays open the opportunity for further interactions. Whether the result is sexual, or casual, or business, is entirely up to the persons involved.
People define the boundaries for flirtation, so it is true that what some find as permissible may not appeal to others. This is only fair, but it beckons the question: what defines permissibility anyway? Is it relationship status? Is it intent? Is it content? It is easy to criticize the one who flirts, because we superimpose ourselves into the situation and use our lens of experiences to cast sweeping judgments. But if we all take a step back to see the myriad of contexts that exists outside our preconceived notions and experiences with flirtation (i.e. previous flirtations were about sex, therefore all flirtations lead to sex), then we can begin to appreciate how others may use the act for different ends--fun, humor, conversation…are all good applications of flirting. As a bonus, we may even realize that we have misread flirtations in the past, that our experiences have been colored because of our inability to appreciate the nuances of human interactions, leading to missed opportunities for friendship, discovery, and dialogue.
In a world so hung up on what one does in the bedroom, can't we all just relax about casual relations between people outside of the boudoir? Judge not, lest ye be judged.
